Shadow Work

We all have a set perception of ourselves in our minds eye of who we are, what we are like, what we represent and our values and qualities of life. Yet, we are aware of the flaws and shame we carry, sometimes hyper focusing on those past traumas and the demons of the past. As we magnify these experiences, we become inextricably linked to the world around us sometimes in efforts to relate to the cruel nature of that past. As philosopher and Psychiatrist Carl Jung wrote, “Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants himself to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is” (Jung, 1938, p. 131)

Carl Jung on “The Shadow”

The Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung published controversial ideas about the “collective unconscious” as part of his public break with Sigmund Freud. Freud’s studies on our unconscious mind was mainly sexually focused, while Jung believed that there were many varied aspects of the unconscious, and was frustrated with Freud’s insistence on purely sexual explanations. Jung believed that there is a group of symbols, or archetypes, that are manifestations of the universal unconscious. These archetypes are found throughout cultures in fairytales, myths, and artistic representations. They tend to remain nearly constant throughout the world with cultures that have never had the opportunity or means to intersect throughout their existence. Among the most popular ones is the “Shadow”.

The Shadow is the often-hidden, a repressed part of ourselves that we choose to ignore, often because it contradicts our personal values. It can be compared to the Freudian ID which is a psychodynamic belief that we demand immediate gratification of our needs; it represents human’s base needs and darkest desires. We’re often not aware of our Shadow’s existence. The more we repress it, the stronger and more dangerous it grows as it dominates our understanding of ourselves and our significance in life. Jung believed that we should face our Shadows as part of a process called “individuation”, and although it may be difficult, it will help us come to grips with our inner-person.

Individuation is defined as the act of distinguishing others of the same kind and singling out a person. Through this process during Shadow work, individuals become introspective as they focus on acknowledging the battle with our ID and superego.

The Shadow’s struggle for autonomy

The shadow is constantly repressed through the habits of society. Because we are bombarded with the idea that we must be on our guard and repress our true nature, it is extremely difficult to fully open ourselves to our own will. But the Shadow’s struggle for autonomy is not as obvious as a physical or mental battle. The habits that have become ingrained in us, the ones that tell us to repress our urges and conform to predetermined behavioral patterns, are not always obvious or apparent to the casual viewer. William James, an American philosopher and psychologist of the late 19th century and regarded as the “Father of American Psychology”, wrote that people develop “to the way in which they have been exercised, just as a sheet of paper or a coat, once creased or folded, tends to fall forever afterward into the same identical folds” (Duhigg 273). We are conditioned to act and at times think because that is the way we have been taught. ---Defining Domestication

Using the example in “Mastery of Self” by Don Miguel Ruiz

Imagine a child having lunch with their Abuela, or grandmother, who has prepared soup for their afternoon meal. They sit together and enjoy each other’s company in the love they share.

After finishing half of their bowl of soup, the child realizes they are full.

“I dont want the rest, abuela. I’m full!”

You must eat all your soup, niño”, the abuela replies.

Whether you’re a parent or not, it’s likely clear what the grandmother is trying to do. Her intentions are admirable; she wants them to eat in order to be nourished. When the child declines, she tries to convince them to eat more by offering them a reward fo doing what she wants. This is the first tool of domestication.

“You must finish your soup,” she says, “It’ll make you grow up big and strong, like Spider-man!”

In addition to not being hungry, the child is also enjoying the feeling of asserting themselves, because it feels powerful to say no; there’s a gratuitous feeling expressing their free will. We can also feel that same sense of power when we say yes to the things we want, and it feels good to claim it. This is how young children (including ourselves when we were young) learn about the power of intent: by stating yes and no.

Eventually, the child reaches the threshold of his abuela’s patience, and when the prospective reward doesn’t work, she reaches for the stick to impose her will upon them. Like many grandparents and their parents before them, she crosses the line of respect for the child’s choice and adds punishment - in this case, guilt and shaming, which is the second tool of domestication.

“Do you know how many children don’t have anything to eat around the world? They are starving! And here you are, wasting you food. It’s a sin to waste food!”

Now the child is concerned. They don’t want to look like a selfish child, and really doesn’t want to be seen as a sinner in their abuela’s eyes. With a sense of defeat, the child relents and subjugates their will.

“OK, abuela, I’ll finish my soup.”

The child learns that by complying with the rules of the dream, they can earn a reward; in this case, they’re a good child in the eyes of their abuela and receives her love and encouragement. The punishment would have been to be seen as a selfish child, a sinner in her eyes.

This is a simple example of domestication in action. No one doubts that the grandmother has the best of intentions; she loves her child and wants him to eat their lunch, but the method she is using to achieve that goal has negative unintended consequences. Anytime guilt and shame are deployed as tools to provoke action, this counters any good that has been achieved. Eventually, these negative elements will resurface in one way or another.

In this case, let’s imagine that when this child grows up, the domestication that occurred around this issue is so strong that it still has an imposing power over them well into adulthood. For instance, many years later they go into a restaurant where they serve a big plate of food, and halfway through their meal their body signals to them the truth of that moment: I am full.

Consciously, or subconsciously, they hear a voice: It’s a sin to waste food.

Consciously, or subconsciously, they answer Yes, abuela, and continues to eat.

Finishing their plate like a good person, they respond to their domestication rather than their needs of the moment. In that instant, they completely go against themselves by continuing to eat after their body has already let them know that they are full. The idea is so strong. That it overrules their body’s natural preference to stop. Overeating may damage their body, which is one of the negative consequences in this case of using guilt and shame as a tool. The other consequence is that they are experiencing internal suffering by reliving a past moment of guilt and shame, and it is controlling their actions in the present.
Finally, not that their abuela is not even present in the current situations , as they have now taken up the reins of domestication and subjugated their own will without anyone’s else’s influence. In the Toltec tradition they refer to this phenomenon as self-domestication.

While the consequences of finishing a bowl of soup are minimal, domestication and self-domestication can take much more serious and darker forms as well. For instance, many of us learned to be critical of our physical appearance because is wasn’t “GOOD ENOUGH” by society’s standards. We were presented with the belief that we weren’t tall enough, thin enough, or that our skin wasn’t the right color, and the moment we agreed with that belief we began to self-domesticate. Because we adopted an external belief, we either rejected or tried to change our physical appearance so we could feel worthy of our own self-acceptance and the acceptance of others. Imagine for a moment the many industries that would cease to exist if we all loved our bodies exactly the way they are.

These examples by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr should be considered as subjective wisdom as they explore societal pressures to change our image to societal standards. This includes, but is not limited to, assimilating into a culture of beliefs that glorifies the westernized standards of beauty. I definitely out-ruled the occasions of wanting to feel comfortable with our bodies through modifications such as tattoos, piercings, surgeries, and other means of enjoying our life in the vessel we were awarded.

DMR Jr. goes on to say:

“To be clear, domestication regarding body image is different from wanting to lose weight in order to be healthy, or even having a preference to look a certain way. The key difference is that with a preference, you come from a place of self-love and self-acceptance, whereas with domestication you start from a place of shame, guilt, and not being “enough.” The line between these two can be thin sometimes, and a Master of Self is one who can look within and determine his or her true motive.”

Excerpt From: Don Miguel Ruiz. “The Mastery of Self.”

Mastery of Self and the Shadow

In one of his series of books titled “Mastery of Self” Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. describes the idea of our perception of our conditioning to project and act the way we’ve been taught. He describes these archetypes as domestication to attachment:

1. Domestication

• You are domesticated to an idea through interaction with others in the Dream of the Planet. (ex. A grandmother domesticates her grandson to the idea that it’s a sing not to finish all the food on his plate.)

2. Self-domestication

• Once this idea s lodged inside you and accepted, it becomes a belief. You no longer need an outside domesticator to enforce this idea; you will do it yourself. This is self-domestication in actions. (ex. The grandson grows up and habitually finishes all the food on his plate even when he isn’t hungry.)

3. Attachment

• You are now attached to this belief, and depending on how strong your attachment is, your acceptance of yourself and others in contingent upon fulfillment of the belief. (ex. The grandson feels guilty if he doesn’t finish the food on his plate; he admonishes his friends for not finishing their food, and he domesticates his children to the same idea.)

How to Accept your Shadow Self

In “The Mindfulness Solution”, Siegel provides a simple exercise to begin to identify your shadow self:

• Make a list of 5 positive qualities that you see yourself as having (eg. Compassionate, generous, witty, etc.)

• Look at each positive quality that you wrote down - describe its opposite (eg. Unfeeling, stingy, dull, etc)

• Picture a person who embodies these negative qualities vividly in your mind. Roughly this is your shadow---Noticing Your Domestications as you identify your Shadow Self

Notice your domestications

“Take a moment to look back over your life. What are some ideas that were instilled in you as a child that you later discarded as no longer true for you? These could be ideas about education and career, money and material possessions, politics, religion, or any number of other areas. Remember, the point here isn't to judge or become resentful of those who initially domesticated you to those ideas, but rather to see where domestication occurred and how you broke free. By noticing where you have already spotted and released domestication in your life, you prove to yourself that you have all the power you need inside you to break free again and again.”

Identifying Your Attachments

Since attachment begins with material possessions, the first part of this exercise is designed to show you the items in your life that you have incorporated into your sense of self.

Think of an item you own that you absolutely love, something that you wouldn't want to lose. Perhaps it is your car, your home, your money, an electronic gadget, a piece of jewelry, a special memento, or even a religious or sacred object. The point is to pick an object that you feel strongly about, something that is tied to your sense of self.

Very few people who look honestly and deeply will find that there is nothing in the world that doesn't fit this description.

On a blank piece of paper, write down the item and then answer the following questions:

1. Why do you feel so strongly about this item?

2. What sense of security does it give to you?

3. How is this item tied to your identity or sense of self?

4. How does it boost your ego?

5. Are you pleased to show this item to others? Or it is an item that you show no one and secretly feel special for having?

6. Does owning it make you feel more attractive than others, wealthier, more secure, more intelligent, or more spiritual?”

If you’re not a materialistic person or a Taurus (like myself) then you will should be truthful and react honestly to your current emotions.

Remember, there are no right or wrong answers. The point is to explore your deeper associations with material things.

Crumple up that piece of paper and discard it, throw it all away don’t hoard it because it’s literally useless to you now. Close your eyes and imagine that these items no longer exist in your life.

How do you feel?

What would life be like without it?

Who would you be without this item”

Now that you’ve explored the idea of losing this item, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is this attachment affecting your relationships with the people in your life?

2. Is your attachment causing you to play it safe and not pursue other things you really want?

3. Can you think of any times when you’ve altered you r actions because of this item?

4. How does this attachment affect your personal freedom>

5. Finally, do you want to keep this level of attachment? Or do you want to decrease it, or even let it go? The choice is always yours.

“Repeat this exercise and pick a person, belief, role, body image, or idea to examine. This could be your position in the home (father, mother, son), or some other capacity you act in that enhances your sense of self. Are you attached to a particular role you play? How would you feel if that role changed suddenly? Are you attached to how you look? What if your appearance changed overnight? Just like physical objects, beliefs, and social roles, even the people in our lives are destined to change or fall away. Who would you be without them?

If you are like most people, you will find that you are in different levels of attachment with many items, beliefs, and roles, and those levels can fluctuate. Simply becoming aware of these attachments is a big step in releasing their power over you. The moment you become aware of an attachment is the moment it begins to lose its hold over you. Identifying attachments and imagining their collapse gives you the opportunity to see the Authentic Self free from any attachment, as ultimately the truth of who you are is much greater than any item, role, or belief.

Excerpt From: Don Miguel Ruiz. “The Mastery of Self.”

From @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram

1. Notice when you have feelings of jealous and ask yourself: What do I feel “have” that I feel I’m lacking?

2. Notice how often you give advice and why you are giving it (There will be clear patterns)

3. Journal or take notes in your phone daily around how you speak about yourself (this helps you understand your care and limiting beliefs)

4. Become aware of the way you speak about others (this helps you better understand any attachment trauma)

The holistic psychologist goes on to say:

All of us have a “shadow”: the shadow self is the abandoned and rejected parts of self. We begin this unconsciously in childhood to receive love and approval, based on the trials and behaviors seen as “positive” by parental figures. Later, this extends to peers, teachers, community, and social structures.

Our egos protect us from the shadow self. We don’t want to acknowledge that jealously, fear, greed, lust, rage and all sorts of perceived “negative” emotional energy lives within us.

Our ego projects this outwards onto other people.

Our ego loves to focus outwards. On other people’s faults, mistakes, and shortcomings. Of course, all of those are simply perceptions based on our past. This is normal and human.

These questions will be painful for the ego. Especially since we’ve practiced looking outwards our entire lives. But, these questions will allow us to go inwards. To expand our consciousness. The peaceful warrior practices seeing the parts of self that most looked away from. ---What are the Benefits of Accepting Your Shadow Self?

Siegel (2010) aptly describes the benefits of this exercise:

“By illuminating how we construct our identity, mindfulness practice helps us recognize and accept our shadow moment by moment. Every desirable and undesirable feeling, thought, and image eventually arises in meditation, and we practice noticing and accepting them all. We see our anger, greed, lust, and fear along with our love, generosity, care, and courage. Seeing all these contents, we gradually stop identifying with one particular set and rejecting the other. We eventually see that we have a great deal in common with everyone else – including those we are tempted to judge harshly. We see for ourselves why people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

Try to mindfully pay attention to each time someone around you does something, says something, or “is” a certain way that irritates you or upsets you. Notice what bodily sensations arise out of this experience. Do you find yourself tensing up or clenching your jaw when something “irritating” is said? Many things that annoy one person will have little to no effect on another. Ask yourself why certain qualities are so bothersome to you?

If you highly value one of your positive traits, such as being organized/orderly, then being around someone who is sloppy or unorganized can seem quite painful. In a similar vein, if you highly value a trait such as modesty, then it can be almost unbearable to be around a braggart. Each time you find yourself giving in to these feelings of annoyance or irritation, instead ask yourself, “In what ways am I sloppy, cocky, etc.?”

Practice slowly getting in touch with those qualities that you are fighting so hard to repel and push out of your experience. It is true that we often don’t enjoy surrounding ourselves with people who remind us of those qualities that we claim to abhor, but there is much to be learned here. Try looking at those experiences as opportunities for growth, self-knowledge, and self-awareness.

Open yourself up to meeting your shadow self head on. Welcome it to the proverbial table.

Once you accept its presence, its power to irritate and fluster you begins to fade away.

Citations

Dana Brooke Thurmond. “The influence of Carl Jung’s Archetype of the Shadow On Early 20th Century Literature. https://scholarship.rollins.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1031&context=mls (accessed on August 28, 2020)

Ruiz, M. (2017). MASTERY OF SELF: A toltec guide to personal freedom. Retrieved October 4, 2020.

Jung, C.J. (1959) Good and evil in analytical philosophy.

Jung, C.J. (1938). Psychology and religion. Binghamton, NY: The Vail-Ballou Press, Inc.

Siegel, R.D. (2010). The mindfulness solution: everyday practices for everyday problems. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D. Mindful Muse. “Identity & Accept Your Shadow Self”. https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/individual-differences/identify-accept-your-shadow-self (accessed on August 28, 2020)